Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My god she’s good.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*