Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Not recommended for beginners.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat