I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Rooting for the overdog
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.