Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Swedish for common sense.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.