Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Meow?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.