[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
They also CAN sing✌️
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My first son he is wonderful
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.