A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Lol
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
The real reason evolution started..😂
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you