10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
awesome draft from months ago i just found
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My dad.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.