The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
when you don’t want to be too vague
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.