Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.