The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Always a metermaid never a meter
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I’m calling the cops.
this is me
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
That time Alicia messaged me
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
going to the ER y’all need anything