I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
iPhone X
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains