When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…