it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?