Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The Weeknd is back
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Gemma Correll
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.