draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
All set.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.