I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah