[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.