The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]