Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.