Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.