I can’t wait!
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
my nickname in college
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.