Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”