Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.