God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Geez man, take it easy.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can