The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.