My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
channeling her this year
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.