“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Pizza is an emotion right?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time