Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Go hard or stay average
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
😆this is so true
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?