RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
that wasn’t the question
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
2022 be like
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany