Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
me and my fake scenarios
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it