Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Golf would be better with landmines.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
The three genders
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers