Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Somewhere in an alternate universe
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.