how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
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[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.