Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*checks Timeline*…
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I unironically love this joke.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*