Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
So the ex texted me
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..