Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You Might Also Like
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”