[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Meanwhile in Portland…
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.