I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
You Might Also Like
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?