I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.