I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
can’t bark with your mouth full
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire