I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I’m putting together a team
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??