[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I hate when that happens.