she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t