I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*names my little horse OneTrick*
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.