You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES