I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If only
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.