[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here