I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I don’t think my car can fly
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.