Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.